Thievery Thursday

An Interview With a Jack-o'-lantern
This is Jack. He is the oldest living jack-o'-lantern in North America. He was carved in 1779 by a man he calls John Adams. He is an empty pumpkin of which I hold the highest respect and awe for. I caught up with Jack in hopes of asking him some important questions. He agreed to an interview and what you are about to read are his own words.
Me: Mr. Lantern,
Jack: (interrupting) Call me Jack.
Me: (clearing throat) Mr. Lantern, you claim to have been carved over 2 centuries ago.
Jack: Is that a question?
Me: I'll ask the questions here. How old are you?
Jack: I don't know.
Me: You don't know?
Jack: How do you do?
Me: Aren't you in fact a pumpkin?
Jack: You're looking at me aren't you?
Me: Of course I am looking at you, can't you see me looking at you?
Jack: I haven't any eyes.
Me: That's sad. (looking at questions) What are you doing for the holidays this year?
Jack: I'll just be sitting on this stoop like I always do.
Me: That's nice. Do you scare the birds away?
Jack: I think you have me confused with a scarecrow.
Me: Are you happy?
Jack: It's not an easy life. I don't do well in hot weather, and I've seen too many summers in my life. Back in '53, I was the victim of a Halloween prank...those kids threw me at a buggy passing by. It knocked out my teeth and left me deaf in one ear. Then, in '64, I had...
Me: Neat! Do you have any advice for young jack-o'-lanterns just starting out?
Jack: ...and that's how I managed to save the life of Elvis Presley.
Me: Well, that's all the questions I have, thank you for your time Mr. Lantern.
Passerby: Who are you talking to, are you talking to me?
Me: Oh hello, do you have time for a few questions...